Flying Free

Welcome to my second blog post!  This one is about CONTEXT.

I think it's important, near the beginning of this blog journey, that I share some context with you- about who I am and where I came from.  I certainly do not want to paint a picture of perfection or of fearlessness.  In fact, with every new thing that I do, I have a slight pain in my chest from FEAR - fear of rejection, fear of people realizing I'm not good enough, fear of failing.  That pain has not gone away, I have just learned to embrace the fact that it means that I'm getting closer to what I really want.  The more afraid I am, the more the opportunity is worth pursuing, I've found.

But let me provide you with a bit of background.

In November 2012, I ended a toxic relationship that I had been cycling through (breaking up, getting back together again) since 2004.  I had a panic attack when it hit me that I was really and truly...FINALLY doing something different with my life.  Everyday, I played this song on repeat.

When I say everyday, I mean e v e r y d a y.  And I didn't do much else but cry, and stalk him on the internet, of course.  Because I was unemployed, I had the time to really invest all of my energy in HIM.  Thankfully, I had started my own running journey back in January of that year and run my first marathon in May so, unlike other times I had ended my relationship with him, this time there was one thing that I had to look forward to - my daily run.  

I had to get out of my door everyday to run.  And I had to eat everyday in order to have the energy to run.  And I had to shower everyday after the run.  These simple things kept me going.  I also had to be present enough to be there for my father, who was 7 years into his Lewy Body Dementia diagnosis at the time.  So I decided to blog about it.  My running and my father kept me going.  

Since November 2012, a lot has changed.  That blog evolved from just words on a page into Powdered Feet Run Club, my attempt in November 2013 to help other people in my neighborhood see the transformative power of running.  Nobody came until a few months later; in July/August of that year I changed the name to Harlem Run and I guess the rest is history.  I'm providing this (brief) context to be completely transparent about the last several years.  I recently found this note in my phone about my first blog

I've started this blog because I feel helpless

I know that part of why I kept those notes in my phone is because the pain was so unbearable, I wanted to have a record of it so that I would never forget where I came from.  I'm so glad I'm no longer there, but it is not a foreign concept to me.  That pain is something I deeply understand and, to be honest, I am revisited, from time to time, by similar thoughts.  

So why did I share this?  Because my life is not just the smiles you see on instagram and well-crafted messages on facebook.  My life is incredibly painful and heart breaking sometimes, and, other times, it's purely magical .  And that's the beauty of it.

**New blogs and vlogs will come out on Sundays, I've decided.  I don't know about you - but Sunday is my laziest day but also, conversely, my most inspired day.  I spend it at home, typically, trying to wrap my mind around the coming week and prepare myself to gear up to do it all over again - except better.  I hope this blog will provide some inspiration!**